Letters to Downton
by JOHNLOCK HAS MY SOUL
Summary: The correspondence of the inhabitants of Downton Abbey is an intriguing one; defined by lost notes on a bedside table, unsent letters, and scribbled romances on the back of an old receipt. The development of both the servants and the nobility is strengthened through their own words, written whole-heartedly to one another.
1. Chapter 1

Letters to Downton #1

To: Thomas

I have come up with a plan to make Mrs. Hugs have a miscarriage. She will walk up to you and almost rape your hair but then you will say, "I'm Carson." and then her boobs will expand which will make her bra snap and they will go flying everywhere in Ireland where Tom fucked Mother Nature. If the baby can't drink from his mommy's boobs, then he will leave and find another mother who has really big ones.

I have also found a way to get out of Downton. First, you and I will have sex so I get pregnant and have to leave for family reasons. Then, we will cross off our names from The List so God thinks we're dead and no one will come looking for us. It's so simple, I could poop!

Just so you know, that super heavy rainstorm with gloppy raindrops was Tom and Mother Nature doing it. Neither of us had our umbrellas so now I feel like puking. Our hair is still gross feeling! I told Hugs about it and that's why she wants to fuck your hair.

Love,

O'Brien Crawley

P.S I didn't know Robert and I would ever fall in love.

P.S.S. I had to marry Robert so I could get a bunch of money.

**P.S.S.S Just so you know, you are GAY! **


	2. Chapter 2

Letters to Downton #2

Dearest Mother, Dead Sybil, Father, and my clothes,

This is Edith and I know you might be thinking, "Who's Edith?" so I will fuck your faces off with my nasty blonde hair! Just so you all know, I didn't think Mary and Sybil were my sisters. And I didn't know I was your daughter because I have blonde hair and I am way more annoying than all of you combined.

Mary, oh Mary, you make me feel like an idiot and I can't take it any longer. By the time you read this, I will be certainly dead and you can't do anything about it. Yes, I was the person that had this note in my mouth. I know you expect this note to be on the fireplace or something like that but no, I'm different than the Crawley family. Yes, you guessed right. I'm gay! I love you, Mary and I want to fuck your face more than anything. But, that was before I knew you were my sister. I was planning on being run over by lions at the zoo but it was closed so the hail storm killed me. I don't know how I know this, but I just do.

Good-bye forever,

Edith Crawley

P.S. I will come back as a ghost and haunt you until you piss your pants and die from fright.


	3. Chapter 3

Dear Carson,

Though we are old, I have grown to love that tire belly of yours (no offence) and those multiple chins you keep as pets under your soft, meaty lower lip.

My fingernails are trembling but I didn't know they could... Oh no! They're turning purple! I'm going to the hospital to get them removed. Brb.

I'm back! Thanks for catching me when I almost fell down the stairs at the hospital. They amputated my uvula because it was causing too much trouble with my balance.

Anywho, your moobs make my face turn green because they don't have nipples. That's weird, are you an alien or something?

Yesterday, when I checked you out, you gave me a strange look. Did that mean to rape you or to back off because I accidentally rapped you. There was stuff everywhere so I made Daisy clean it up. Gtg!

Love,

Hugs 3

**P.S. Sizzle**


	4. Chapter 4

Hugs = Hughes

Dear Mrs. Hugs,

This is Carson. I am writing. A song.

Your hair is up it makes me twirl

You make my life seem like a squirrel

I hate to rhyme

It makes me think of oranges

And then I have to make up a word like quorphins

Queef

Queef

Queef

Oh yeah

Queef

Queef

Queef

Boo yeah...

I think I lov-like you

You know you do, too.

Cuz that letter you sent me

It makes me want to peeeee...

Queef

This song is dedicated to Ugin Hugs

Love,

**The Carson **


	5. Chapter 5

Dear Edna,

I know Mrs. Hugs has fired you and sent you away from Downton. Let me say this in the nicest way I can. I fucking hate you, you slut! I cannot believe you would fucking try to kiss my beautiful lips! I would have punched your fucking brains out if Carson and Hugs weren't in the other room making out naked in the bath tub.

I will never speak to you again after this letter nor will I open a letter from you. So there is no need to send one. Sybil was the awesomest woman in the world and no one will EVER replace her!

The only man that could ever marry you would be O'Brian and even he is too good for you. My hand hurts horribly now since I had to waste my time on telling you how much I fucking hate you.

With all my love (NOT!),

**Tom**


	6. Chapter 6

"God, Thomas, don't touch my ass in public," Jimmy whined gayly, letting his inner-gay shine through his face.

"But it's so luscious. Why don't you let it go?" Thomas licked his lips and spat on the stuffed elephant, farting slightly.

They stood at the base of the steps in the servants' hall, a tray full of chocolate bananzas in his arms. Thomas had stopped him in his tracks with the slight pinch of his buttocks. Smirking daintily, Thomas was about to go in for yet another audacious action when Mrs. Hughes strode near them, stern and severe, "Ye best not be doooooing what I think yer' doing 'pon this'n stairs, you dreadful younguns."

"No, Mrs. Hughes."

As she shuffled away, Thomas and Jimmy chuckled. "Did you even understand what she said?"

"No-" Thomas smirked.

Several other servants made there way down Downton Abbey's servants' mucky hallway so Jimmy started up the stairs. On the way, Thomas pinched his butt several times.

"Tommy-Tom-Tom-Tom. Stop it, you!" shrieked Jimmy, phenomenally. Jimmy tossed the tray of chocolate bananzas back down the stairs and landed on Carson's head.

"What in the merciful God's Merlin's name?" Carson tumbled up the stairs like a deer, smashing his forehead into the ceiling as he ran, "Thomas! What is the meaning of throwing chocolate bananzas on my head?"

Thomas shoved his hands in his pockets, smirkily smirking, "Mr. Carson, I'm afraid I have no idea, nor does Jimmy because he is perfect." He turned and pointed to Alfred who was slithering up the steps like a snake because he is too tall, "I think Alfred might know."

But Carson wasn't an idiot: Snakes can't throw trays!

Titanically furious, Carson's face turned as red as a grape and he grabbed Thomas violently by the arm.

"OOOHhhh, old man, are we gonna go report me to the police for being super gay? Because last time that happened, I got a promotion, and if that happens again, I may just replace y-"

Thomas was slapped.

On the ass.

"Oh my, Jimmy. I didn't know you were a naughty little tiny small chicky-munk munk chipmunk."

"Oh, but my Toe- Toe- Thomas. I didn't do anything! You must know, my hands are no where near your anus."

"Well then, Alfred Snake Man, did you do such a thing?"

Alfred evolved into a trilobite, scuttling towards the chocolate bananzas, lying lifeless on the floor.

"No," Alfred laughed cold-heartedly and farted through his eyes.

"So, Alfred-mite. You haven't turned to the gay side, yet?" Thomas threw some coffee at Mrs. Hughes, who just happened to be tinkerbelling through Downton Abbey's servants' mucky hallway. She was knocked unconscious.

"Mrs. Hughes!" Carson stopped peeing in the yellow bucket and splashed the pee at the Swagalious dude farting beside him, "I'll save you!"


End file.
